


the spider and the sky

by sodun



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Underage Drinking, ambiguous timeline, something i wrote a long time ago and never posted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 17:11:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodun/pseuds/sodun
Summary: Alex is an island surrounded by a sea full of boats that will never stop on his shores. Maybe the passengers will look his way, wave back at the leaves of his trees as they sway in the wind, but they never come close. They know there is nothing on that island worth seeing.





	the spider and the sky

**Author's Note:**

> this work is technically unfinished and was written over a year ago. i found it in my drafts and added the last two paragraphs because i like the way the rest of this came out and i wanted to share it. not sure why i abandoned it and not sure how to get where i originally intended for this to go, but here it is

Justin holds the northern lights in his eyes; swirls of blue and green that are part of something greater than Alex could ever hope to be. Justin is the night sky, from the constellations to the twinkling of distant galaxies and planets that are just out of reach. Alex knows he will never be able to touch the sky. He will never be able to part clusters of stars with his fingertips or rest his head on cloud pillows. The aurora borealis will never glow for him.

Alex is merely a spider in the corner of a storage room, trying so desperately to catch something, anything in his web that has been half destroyed from years of wear and tear. No matter how many times someone tries to squish him, he heals himself, just enough to keep living. He isn’t sure how much more he can take.

Alex knows who he wants to fall into his poor excuse of a web. Alex also knows that a spider cannot catch the sky.

 

Alex searches for love in all the wrong places, validation from all of the wrong people. He searches for it in horny teenage boys who use him like a toddler does a new toy; they play with him for a few hours and then forget all about him. Alex knows this, but somehow hopes that it will be different, that the next boy to grab him with bear trap hands and fuck him like all that matters in the world is getting off will love him. No matter how hard he hopes, how much he wishes, nothing changes, and Alex knows it never will.

 

Alex truly has no one. He is a calendar with no events written in it, an ice cream cone with no sprinkles. No one is tied to him, and he is tied to no one. An island surrounded by a sea full of boats that will never stop on his shores. Maybe the passengers will look his way, wave back at the leaves of his trees as they sway in the wind, but they never come close. They know there is nothing on that island worth seeing.

 

Alcohol burns when it rushes down his throat, but Alex welcomes the fire. It keeps his blood warm when he lets popsicle fingers roam over his middle, lets himself be pushed down to his knees on the bathroom floor covered in ice tiles. Despite the warmth, Alex still shivers, trembles as self hatred grabs his shoulders and shakes him until his brain is so rattled he can’t think straight anymore. 

 

Alex can’t remember the last time someone looked at him like he held some value. His peers look at him like the no cellphone signs in some of the classrooms; something that holds no merit, something to ignore, not be taken seriously. To the people he sleeps with, Alex is a steak dinner and they haven’t eaten in days. When they’re finished with him, they leave the dishes for someone else to clean up without so much as a glance over their shoulders as they leave. 

Justin stares a lot, more than Alex is used to. It takes a little while for Alex to notice, but when Justin’s teal topaz eyes land on Alex’s tired face at a party one evening, there’s something else in them. Something Alex doesn’t see from anyone, doesn’t expect from anyone, let alone Justin Foley.

It’s like everything Alex is looking for is trapped inside the boy’s irises, bone-crushing hugs and three AM conversations swimming in between the blue and green fibres. Alex can feel the flames of a campfire in Justin’s gaze, making his cheeks go rosy for a minute before he tears his eyes away.

Alex knows he must have imagined it. People just don’t look at him like that. People don’t stare at cracks in the sidewalk like they wish they could fix them. People don’t look at missing cupboard knobs and admire the screw that’s supposed to hold them in. No one looks at Alex Standall like they want to cover him with gift wrap arms and hold him until he forgets why he needed a hug in the first place.

Alex gets up from his spot on the couch and leaves without letting his eyes wander in Justin’s direction, despite how bad he wants them to.

 

Justin is a kind person, Alex has always known this. Most everyone would agree that Justin is a rose stuck in the middle of a thorn bush, buried so deep he can’t get out. Despite the fact that his friends aren’t good people, Justin remains so pure. Alex thinks this is why Justin invites him to hang out with the guys at Bryce’s on Friday night.

Alex agrees. He’s sure Justin only invited him out of pity, but for once, the sun is shining down on Alex, and he doesn’t intend to stay in the shade.

 

At first, Alex feels out of place, like he’s a mouse trying to convince a pack of rats that he’s just like them. He doesn’t belong with these people, and he knows they know it too. After a little while, though, Alex begins to forget that he’s an outsider. He plays video games with the guys, smokes pot and jokes around with them like they’ve been his friends all along. 

Eventually, late evening drags her feet into early morning. It’s two AM, and Alex and Justin are the only two left. The TV is playing some movie, but all Alex can think about is Justin’s eyes on him.

When Alex turns to look at Justin, his red rimmed eyes are locked on Alex, lip pinched between his teeth. 

Alex knows that look. Rays of predation stream out of his pupils and Alex almost has it in him to feel hurt. For some reason, he thought Justin wanted to be his friend, that that was the reason he invited him over.

Of course not, though. Alex should’ve known. He let himself get lost in the crazy idea that someone saw him as something more than an easy fuck.

“You want something?” Alex asks, even though he already knows.

“Yeah,” Justin mumbles, and then he’s crawling across the couch.

Justin has lips of budding roses, while Alex’s are dry, unwatered. Somehow, when Justin fits his against Alex’s, they they feel perfect together. Alex feels warm all over, and despite the fact that Justin just wants to fuck him, he finds himself grinning against the other boy’s lips. How long has he been wanting to kiss Justin? How long has he admired him from afar, wishing that Justin would give him the time of day? Too long.

Justin’s hands slide up Alex’s shirt, and Alex loses himself in his touch.

 

When they’re finished, Alex lets himself bask in the afterglow for a few minutes before he gets up. It’s time for him to go, for his leaf to fall off of Justin’s tree so he can carry on into winter, leave Alex behind in the fall. Never think about this night again, never think about Alex again.

But then Justin’s watching him with half lidded eyes and asking what he’s doing.

“Leaving?” Alex says as though it’s obvious, “I mean. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”

“I want you to stay,” Justin murmurs, and when Alex eyes the door warily, he adds a quiet “please?”.

Alex knows he shouldn’t stay, but he does. Justin bundles him up, wraps the ribbons that are his arms around Alex’s stiff frame. Warmth seeps out of his skin, bleeds into Alex’s bones and melts away the tension in his muscles. Alex lays his head on Justin’s chest, and he sinks into him just a bit. He dreams of sleeping on clouds and swimming through stars.

In the morning, Alex wakes up next to Justin, and for once, he doesn’t feel so alone.


End file.
